“Are you able to push the wheelchair, Sir? It’ll be a long wait, otherwise.”
And it had all been going so well.
Assistance at Larnaca had been excellent. Mrs L was wheeled through passport control and security in a jiffy, with me trailing behind in charge of cabin baggage. We were placed in the lounge, from where we would be collected for boarding.
Our aircraft landed at Heathrow. Nowhere near Terminal 5. We would need to descend the stairs, get on the bus, and then find the assistance desk at the other end. That’s where my ability to push the wheelchair was queried. We got the bags haphazardly loaded onto the wife on the wheelchair, and off we barrelled, a danger to traffic and pedestrians alike. A nice fellow guided us down the staff channel for immigration, and we were soon searching for the correct shuttle bus to car-hire. There are a lot of buses involved in flying.
In fairness, arriving at London Heathrow was an absolute pleasure in comparison to departing from it a week later.
The UK’s busiest, premier, airport is an absolute zoo. British Airways, flagship carrier, has been cancelling flights because it doesn’t have enough crew. Every department at the airport is short-staffed, making for long queues at every stage of the journey. Mix in some covid-anxiety, and it really is an unpleasant place to be. The poor people who are working there look beaten before they start. People explained to me that it’s impossible to find staff. Others pointed out that trying to hire people back at a lower hourly rate than they were previously paid might be at the root of that, particularly as the cost of living was rising sharply. It does smack a little of opportunism.
Heaven knows that the pandemic and lockdowns have been terrible for the travel-industry, but I think the problems go much deeper than that. I recognise what a privilege it is to travel, but it’s not as much of a privilege as the travel industry would have us believe.
Air travel is now a deeply unpleasant ordeal.
We book flights in advance, and acknowledge that these reservations are utterly meaningless. The flight may be changed, or cancelled at any time for any reason. We may even be “bumped” at the gate, due to intentional over-booking of the aircraft by the airline.
We are instructed to arrive several hours before flight time, so that we can be subjected to a series of unpleasant experiences.
- Check-in / Bag drop. “For a flight of 300 passengers, we will open 3 desks. Get there early, and you’ll need to wait for us to turn up. Get there on time, and you’re likely to be in a queue behind 50 other people. Get there late and we may have gone, or you may be bumped, or you may get caught in a later customer experience and miss your flight.”
- Security. “See how we have designed these wonderful snake systems to jam as many of you as possible into the smallest of spaces. Why? So that we can x-ray your hand bag, of course. Tsk..Tsk sir. Please remove your liquids, put them in a clear bag (must be sealed) and put it outside your bag, in the x-ray machine. Have you removed your Kindle?” Why would I remove my kindle? It’s an x-ray machine for heaven’s sake. “Shoes please, sir.” Having removed my shoes, watch, jewellery and belt, I am then asked to pass through a body scanner, trousers around my ankles.
- Gates. “What gate am I departing from?” “I don’t know sir. You’ll need to watch the screens.” “It’s just I have a wheelchair and cabin baggage to push, and I thought it might be good to get ahead of the game.” “We don’t know which gate.” This from the same company that I’m trusting to make a big lump of metal fly.
- Shopping. “I need to see your boarding pass, sir.” “Why?” “…”
- “Flight 449 to Larnaca is now boarding. Please proceed to Gate A23.” “Gate 23? Lovely.” “If you’d just like to take a seat, sir. We’ll be boarding soon.” “But you just announced you were boarding.” “Soon, sir.”
- Aircraft. Every year the airlines work to squeeze more seats onto the plane, and reduce the amount of cabin crew and minimise service costs. All in the name of lower fares (or higher profits). Each trip, they insist in teaching me the brace position. Presumably, so that I can kiss my own ass goodbye should we smash into an inconveniently placed mountain. I’m given detailed instructions on when I can use my laptop, and when I can’t.
I could go on and on, and frequently do.
No other business in the world could treat its customers so shabbily and hope to survive.
It’s not just the airlines. The airports and the governments are useless too.
Steely-eyed immigration officers. Idiots like me coming through your airport, with all the right documents, provide you with the job that buys your shoes and puts food on your table. You’re a professional. You’re an advertisement for your nation. Try being nice. I’m tired. I have just been through one of the worst customer experiences available on the planet. Yet I manage to look you in the eye, smile and greet you with respect.
Security Officers. We both know that a bad guy can sit anywhere within a mile of the airport and blow a plane out of the sky. You looking askance at my shower gel is not keeping anyone safe. Get us through this farce as quickly as you can. We’ll both be happier for it.
Why do we need electronic or paper boarding slips? Associate them with the ID when people check in at home. Get gates posted and open as early as possible. Let’s get people on the plane over 30 minutes, not 5 minutes. Check-in should be remote, bag drop at the gate. No check-in desks.
The whole experience needs to be re-designed from a customer perspective. Every business needs to adapt and adopt the best technologies and practices. Join up the tech. It should be impossible for an ID that would not get me into the country to get a ticket. If I need a visa, a computer somewhere knows whether I have one, likewise if I’m on a no-fly list.
We’re told that travel is essential to trade, business and the economy. Make it work better then. Security concerns relate to a tiny percentage on travellers. Not everyone needs to be put to enormous inconvenience.
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